I think you're thinking of someone else.

[underused]

I've fallen into this trap of wanting everything I write to be less than 200 words. I'm writing to match my attention span, which has been waning for a decade. I love you, internet, but you've rewired me. I'm a goldfish.

I've just emerged from a week of activity. Seeing people, doing things--the family business. My sister was visiting from overseas, so all of us and our partners spent as much time together as possible.

For a person who spends so much time alone, it was borderline surreal. I'm so terribly unsocial that after a day or two of steady interaction I feel like a part of my brain shuts down. I mean, I'm there, eating, talking, making plans--and I'm happy to be there, because these are people I love--but everything seems odd and other, like watching my life through the wrong end of binoculars. At the end of it, there's an unshakeable sense I've imagined it all.

Comments

[mr_picard]

I can relate - social interaction weakens me considerably and I feel weird after only one or two hours of it... so kudos to you for getting through it for days! :)

Also... KITTEH

[merikuru]

I totally don't do the social thing either. It's like being on the other side of one of those bulletproof windows with the speaker in it after a while; perfectly visible, people can communicate, but at the same time. So. Alone. So. Very. Alone.

Meatie!

[amidthestars]

I can relate to so much of this post, and the conversation happening underneath it. Lately I've been a lot more social than I've probably ever been in my life, and although I'm enjoying it, I very often emerge from social things feeling like I dreamt it. And I've always been such a quiet person that, in the past, even when I've been "social" I've been far more of a listener than a participator. So now, when I find myself talking, I almost always get home later and think, "Was that really you?" It feels like it was someone else.

merikuru's analogy of being behind bulletproof glass with a speaker pumping the sound in is perfect. That is exactly how I feel during 80% of my social interactions. But I totally agree that what is most draining is people talking about things that are fairly superficial. Give me a conversation about ideas, and people who are interested in examining things deeply, and I'm 100% into it. I have a few friends I can talk with for hours because we're interested in the same things and have the same desire to examine and question, and we long ago learned to skip over all of the surface-y stuff. Something I'd like to learn how to do is test those waters in my newer relationships. I'm such a follower in social situations, trying to direct them in new ways feels pretty foreign to me.

Another thing I've learned - and maybe this is true for others, too - is that it takes me a good, long while to warm up in social situations, especially when they're new or unfamiliar. I find I have to do a lot of listening and observing - and even a bit of testing myself with small talk - before my weirdly anxious heart is ready to try more. (Usually, by the time I reach that point, the conversation is over.)

[balganwall]

Don't feel too bad about the 200-word limit your brain wants to impose. It's been happening to me for years--I also blame the internet--but I've finally come to see it as a benefit.

I'm continuing the rough draft of a novel I finally started writing nearly a year ago. I wrote the first part through NaNoWriMo, which suggests a daily word count of 1,560 to make a 50K novel. I found myself typing like mad just to get meet that goal, steadily enjoying the process less and less. It's not uncommon to find a lot of people in the forums stressing out and lamenting that they just can't write. (And the pep talks are infuriating. "You got your novel started, so you're still a winner!")

This time around, with Camp NaNoWriMo, I set my own daily word limit: 300. It's not too difficult to meet, and if I go over that limit, I feel even more accomplished. And unlike the regular NaNo, if I miss a day or two, I won't feel terrible and end up panicking and rushing to make up for lost writing time. I can easily meet 600, 900, or even over 1,000 words after a break.

I like the idea of NaNoWriMo, but the 1,560 daily word count is intimidating. I think it also ends up with a lot of unhappy writers who feel like they can't accomplish their goals. I personally prefer "chunk writing," and I feel more motivated to finish a story with this method.